The Quest for Validation

As a young woman, there is the familiar hunger for validation.

Validation to me is the reliance on others to affirm one's self worth.

In the past, I have sought to be validated by my friends, family and my lover. Sought their love as a confirmation that I am worthy of love and acceptance. Sought the validation of my boss and teachers that I am smart and intelligent.

In all these, I have come to realise that no one else can validate you. You can only be validated in yourself when you know who you are.

That is where self respect lies. Knowing your self worth. Believing in your potential. Knowing that you are worthy of love and that doesn't depend on who came, who stayed or who left.

Knowing that you are smart, intelligent and beautiful and that doesn't depend on the size of your bank account or the number on the scale; walking with this knowledge and determined to improve at everything.

Being validated in one's self is the zenith of self confidence. It is the self respect that gives you the courage to walk away when someone treats you shabbily knowing that you deserve more than they are offering.

The need for validation from others will only end when we see ourselves as God sees us...as Priceless. I am validated by God as his daughter set apart for the praise of his glory and that is all the validation I need.

So whether friends come or friends go or lovers come or lovers go..my self worth remains the same.

I am priceless, validated by the blood of Jesus, transforming daily into his likeness. I do not need a man's surname to validate me, or a child to validate my womanhood, or a man's ring to validate my desirability or a masters degree or a PHD, or a promotion at work. These things are good. But without them I will still be fine, complete and whole.

My validation comes from God.

Broken to Beautiful

 

Broken to Beautiful

 

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound...."

 





In my deepest darkness, you lead me

 

when my soul is thirsty and parched, you fill me

 

You are my only friend on the rainy days

 

In the raging storm, you are my peace

 

 

From age to age,  your love remains pure

 

 

You see me with all my flaws, still your love consumes me..

 

your stripes have healed my broken heart

 

Through my pains, I give thanks in faith

 

 You are doing a new  thing

 

 

I fall and  fall a thousand times

 

Like broken china in a thousand pieces

 

You have made me a vessel unto honour

 

Your grace has transformed me

 

from Broken to Beautiful

 

I sing Imela!

 

 





A cry from Sambisa

My name is Mary Sule

I am one of the Chibok girls

We lay in bed in darkness

And waited for sleep to come

Anxious about our impending exams

I have always wanted to be a Doctor

Papa had refused to let me return to school because of the recent killings

But I was resilent

I did not want my dreams to die


As i dozed off dreaming of white lab coats

 I heard loud screams from some girls in the hostel

And then I saw them

The Men in Army Uniforms

Speaking in a language I did not understand

I was sure it wasnt Hausa

Sounded like they were

chanting prayers in Arabic

They carried big guns


We were all terrified

They told our teachers to lie flat on their bellies

 or they would shout at them

I saw my English Teacher lie face down

even Mr. Musa our Government Teacher was face down too


The fear of death levels all men


And we were left to our fate in the hands of

the Men in Army Uniforms

They counted us and squashed us lie sardines in the back of the trucks

The trucks smelt of rotten tomatoes and cow dung


Some of the girls were screaming

No one came.........

My tears flowed freely and

they have not stopped since



These Men in Army Uniforms

They took us to a forest

Sambisa

They beat us and rape us
and force us to chant their prayers with them in Arabic

And they starve us, and beat us and rape us


Some of the girls have fallen sick in their bodies

But all of us have been scarred in our minds for life


I will never feel safe again


My tears have not stopped flowing


I cry for my life, my future and my dreams

I cry for my mother and my father

I cry for my siblings, my family and my friends

I cry for Nigeria


In the midst of my tears

I have hope of freedom

But with the dawn of another day in Sambisa

my hope withers................

I am a Woman

 

I am a Woman

Sick of the sterotypes and expectations

I want to be free

Free to be and to choose.

 

I am a woman

Clogged by weighty demands

Afraid to leap and to dream

 

I am in rage

A woman is nothing without a man

A woman is nothing if she isn’t beautiful in the way society approves of

A woman is nothing without a child

 

I am in chains

I want to be free

Free to be and to choose

 

I am a feminist

My desire is for equality

My value lies in the fact that I am a woman.

 

Living Right Here and Now

Living Right Here and Now

 So much happened since the last time I blogged. I lost my Dad in January 2011 and it was a very traumatic experience but God saw me through it all and  I find courage and closure in his word daily.

I moved to Lagos in 2010 to attend the Nigerian Law school which I have successfully completed.

Right now, I am a 26 year old single lady working as a lawyer in a law firm and   living alone in Lagos.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking about life, marriage, and love.... In Nigeria once a young girl finishes university, the pressure to get married is unbelievable. The pressure is from everyone and it hits even worse when  it comes  from family. No matter a lady's achievements, the average Nigerian's mentality is that she can never be complete without a man to call her husband.

Recently, I attended my bestfriend's wedding and was  again reminded by my  friends and family of my single status. Infact my Mother even adviced that I should join a department in church and practise fasting once every week for the gift of a husband. While, I do not think that joining a department in church or fasting are bad ideas, I am alarmed by the discrimination against singles in our society.

Singles especially older singles are looked upon as social outcasts or  misfits of the society. With the increasing pate of divorce and unhappy marriages, my mind always ponders the reason for the stigma associated with singlehood.

Since when did marriage become the sole aim of a woman's existence and the definition of her happiness. Every where you turn there are " tips on how to catch a husband". The predicament is so disturbing as society does not believe that a woman can be single and happy. The single woman is treated as a leper on the social ladder. Not to mention the unsolicited matchmaking attempts by friends and families who believe their sole purpose on earth is to find you a mate. ( Personally, I have decided not to go for another blind date again.... Urgghhh!)

Once a lady of marriageable age is not married, the next thing people will start saying is " she is so fine, how come she is not yet married.. she must have a bad character", or " maybe she has a spirit husband who is disturbing her"! Others would start advising you on how to marry any cheating slimy bastard beacuse all men cheat, or they would advice you to lose weight and use bleaching cream to lighten your skin so as to attract a husband.... I could go on and on.

Personally,  I have resolved to live right here and now.My life is so beautiful and I am determined to live in that beauty every second being grateful for all I have and am..... and hopefully someday, everyone will learn that our lives do not begin or end the day we get married.

I

My Mistakes....

I am not my mistakes.. Do not judge me by my past mistakes…they set the stage for the woman that I have become….my mistakes taught me lessons I would never have learnt otherwise…

In the cradle of those experiences is where I blossomed into this strong woman that I am now.. Yes, my yesterday may not be the story of a legend.. but that’s only because a chapter does not make a book..

Now I can see clearly and time has made me wiser … I am grateful to you for helping me through those times.. but I will not let you paint my future with those tainted brushes…

It’s a brand new day..and all I see is hope…

Because I am human, I know that I will make more mistakes.. but with every mistake I ll ever make..I ll become a better and a wiser person…so please do not judge me by my mistakes…I am not my errors……

Find your voice

We all have something in each of us that makes us unique and different..Once we lose that defining essence of us,we lose ourselves..Now is the time to celebrate what makes us stand out...our strengths and our flaws..there is beauty in our imperfections...Find your own voice...Be assertive..This is your life to live..Live it to the fullest..seize every opportunity to learn and to grow...
And remember that in every fall there is a chance to rise, in every despair a chance to hope, in every end a chance to start  afresh, and for every heartbreak there is a chance to love again....